Thursday Nighters...and Are You Here Yet?

Dearest Child,

This past weekend, I went to my college stomping grounds in Seattle to visit a very dear friend of mine: EllenAnn. Long story short: I went up there to watch the series finale of the show I had watched faithfully every Thursday night with a core group of friends (we dubbed ourselves the Thursday Nighters). Although none of us have watched 'ER' since college, it was important for us to get together once again to wrap everything up. We had a blast, and I found myself reverting back to my old college-age self. What fun it was to answer to my college nickname (Spullen) and to laugh and swap stories in the wee hours of the morning.

I had so much fun visiting with EllenAnn, in fact, that we've made plans for the summer. If it all works out, she's going to come down here to visit for a few days. I'm thinking of taking her to Yosemite & Shaver Lake, but we'll see what the weather has in store before making any firm plans. Your daddy and I are also planning on taking a trip up the West Coast to go to Oregon to see Grandma & Grandpa Pullen and Seattle (yep, EllenAnn again).

The piece de resistance, however, comes toward the end of July. We're going to go to Disneyland with her two daughters. When we were making these plans, I made an off the cuff comment, something to the effect of "Oh, I'll probably have the baby with me so I can show him or her what Disneyland's all about!"

EllenAnn stopped dead in her tracks, little one, as only EllenAnn can. She looked me dead in the eyes and quietly said "Spullen...of course you're going to have the baby with you--you're going to have your child with you for the rest of your life!"

Gulp. Apparently, in my rush to wait for you to get here, I "forgot" one very pivotal piece of information: parenthood is forever. I think daily (ok, hourly and minutely if there is such a possibility) about what those first few weeks will be like when we bring you home. In fact, I've been so focused on "MAY BABY" lately, that I've neglected to remind myself that there also will be a baby in June, and in July, and in August...well, you get the idea. Of course there will be a baby with me when I go to Disneyland in July. Oopsie. Forgive me?

That said...are you here yet?

Love you,

yo mamma

PS. While in Seattle, I showed a friend of mine the Seattle Pacific campus. Of course, I couldn't resist buying a t-shirt for you. It'll be a while before you can wear it (I got a 2T), but I can't wait to see you toddling around the house in it. Because, you know, you'll still be here two years from now and all.

Uncle Tom & Aunt Beth Finally Tied the knot!

Dearest Little One,

After six loooong years of dating, your Aunt Beth & Uncle Tom were married last night in a very lovely mountain wedding. I was a bridesmaid and your daddy was an usher. We had an absolute blast and are so happy that they've finally tied the knot. Now that the wedding's over, all of us are anxiously awaiting your arrival!

(Insert Subject Title Here)

Dearest Child,

I'm not sure what I should be writing at this point. Yes, we've been matched with a birth mother at this point. Yes, we could become parents soon. But we don't know for certain that *you* are the baby on the way. In other words, while we're over the moon excited, we're also fully aware that she (I'll call her K) could choose against an adoption plan at any given moment. So while we're stoked and excited (and admitedly it's all I can think or talk about at this point), we're trying to also remain grounded until we actually have YOU to take home.

Truth be told, while I'm wrought with fear that it will fall through, I also have a tremendous sense of peace that God's plan for our family will revealed soon. I really do hope that the baby that K is carrying now is you. I want so badly to bring you home and call you my little son or daughter.

That said, the path to adoption is rarely smooth, and this situation is no exception. You see, when we were called a week and a half ago, we were told that K's due date was April 10th. Recent phone calls from our adoption agency have revealed that K was experiencing contractions and was hoping that labor would happen soon.

So imagine our surprise, little one, when we got another update from our agency this evening (just as I prepared to teach my evening college class). Surprise! The due date has been pushed back to May 16th. While I initially was bummed that things have been pushed off a little, I'm trying to remain optimistic. I really do think that this is God's doing. It gives us more time to prepare our house for a baby, and hopefully by then we'll have received the money we need to complete the adoption process.

Business aside, there are a few things that we know about K. Our social worker has encouraged us to write down all of the information we know about her (so we don't forget in future years), so here goes:

• She's 23 years old, and she's part Hispanic & part Puerto Rican.
• She's a part time choreographer, model & tattoo artist (but according to her social worker, she's not covered in tattoos).
• She's got a 5 year old son from her first marriage.
• According to her social worker, she's "drop dead" gorgeous.
• She's got 3 brothers & 3 sisters.

The obvious question is the most difficult question: "Why is she placing her baby up for adoption?" While I'm hoping that this is a question that you can ask her directly someday, what we know at this point is that she is going through a divorce and that it's really important to her that this baby be raised by two parents who love God. When she saw her profile, she looked at the first page and just *knew* that we were the ones she wanted to match with, because she liked that we were short (she "didn't want the baby raised by giants") and that I was a drama teacher (she related to the creative aspect of my job).

So there you have it, little one. These next few weeks are sure to be difficult as the wait drags on, but I'm praying that God will continue to guide us through this whole process. Most of all, I pray for K in her last month of pregnancy. I pray that God will give her peace and will ease her mind of what are surely some very difficult decisions.

Until we meet you,

your mommy

PS. All we know at this point about the the birth father is that he's part African American and part Hispanic. He's also from Florida & has green eyes.

Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On

Dearest Child,

Last Monday was one for the books. To fully tell the story, however, allow me to back up a bit.

Each weekend has been booked solid since Christmas, so I had marked the weekend of March 21 & 22 to sleep and catch up on all of the TV shows that were threatening to be deleted on our TiVo. I had it all planned out: I’d sleep until 10 or 11, then I’d watch nine hours straight of Little People, Big World. I get such a kick out of watching Matt & Amy Roloff. I definitely relate to Amy Roloff (family and God first is her motto), and Jay can definitely see a lot of Matt Roloff (he, too, is s a dreamer who was a born entrepreneur).

The weekend I had dreamed of longingly, however, was not the weekend I was meant to have. You see, your Aunt Beth was two weeks from marrying your Uncle Tom. And she needed help to get things ready. Lots of help. I agreed to have them over on Saturday afternoon (along with your Grandma Max and Aunt Cindy) to help make favors and things for the wedding program. We had planned to spend a few hours working on these favors and we were going to cap off the evening with Uncle Tom’s famous BBQ tri tip.

And then I was going to spend the rest of the evening curled up on the couch watching Little People, Big World.

It’s a good thing we cleaned up the house on Friday night, little one, because we had a “houseful of relations” all day long. Several of your daddy’s cousins stopped by that day, and ended up staying to help. We ended up having ten people over for dinner that night, and do you want to know the sad part? We haven’t had guests over in forever and I’ve been dying to use our dining room again properly, but we couldn’t have dinner in there because the table was full of paper crafts for the wedding! We had a blast, though, and I was reminded once again just how much I enjoy spending time with your daddy’s cousins and family. Little People, Big World would have to wait until Sunday.

The next day, your daddy and I went to church (excellent sermon on trusting God for the details; a message I definitely needed to hear). Your Aunt Beth came over again with Grandma Max to finish up the favors—despite all of our best efforts on Saturday, we just couldn’t get it all done. We worked through the afternoon and finished with dinner (at least this time it was around the dining room table). I was so exhausted from working all weekend long that I slapped some zit cream on my face and just collapsed on the sofa that night. I think I managed to sneak at least an episode or two of Little People, Big World in, so the weekend wasn’t entirely lost!

That night, however, I couldn’t sleep. I tried every trick in the book, and I just could not.go.to.sleep. I gave up around 1AM, and picked up the computer to browse facebook for a while (your Uncle Grant, also on Facebook at the time, gave me a pretty hard time about being online so late).

So I suppose, all things considered, I shouldn’t have been surprised that I slept through my alarm on Monday morning. I woke up with a start, panicking because the alarm was flashing 7:17 and I had to be at school at 7:20. I ran around the bathroom getting ready while your father rushed to get my car started and for what was sure to be a race to the school. A shower and proper make up would have to wait, and a ponytail with jeans would have to do for the day. By some miracle, I managed to be at school just as the bell rang. And actually had a decent class period with my advanced drama kids. A few hours later, however, it dawned on me: the zit cream.

In my rush to get ready that morning, I left the zit cream on my face. While it dries clear, after a while it starts to flake off. And I had liberally put it on both sides of my face (I think two pimples were competing with one another as to which one could outgrow my nose first). Nuts. Oh, well, I don’t think the kids noticed…or if they did they at least had the courtesy to not laugh at my face to my face.

Lunchtime wasn’t so much lunchtime as it was run-home-and-grab-a-shower-and-try-to-salvage-what’s-left-of-my-face-time. I felt more human after that, and went about planning lessons for the home hospital student I would be teaching that afternoon.

After school and before home hospital, I came home, anxious to sneak in another episode or two of Little People Big World. I didn’t bother to bring my cell phone in the house with me; I didn’t want to be interrupted and was determined to salvage whatever relaxation time I had in the precious one hour I was home.

Two episodes letter, I was in the car, rearing and somewhat ready to teach home hospital a mile a way. I glanced at my phone, noticing I had a voice mail. Further inspection revealed that the call I had missed was from “Adoption Kim” (I had given our social worker that moniker because I feared that I had more than one Kim stored in my phone and didn’t want to be confused when answering the phone). I didn’t bother to listen to her message, opting instead to call her.

Adoption Kim answered the phone fairly quickly, and started talking about how different offices do their surveys differently. My mind is racing at this point, thinking that somehow they’ve been offended by the customer satisfaction survey I’d filled out the week prior (note: I had not said anything negative, so I don’t know why this was a concern but that’s beside the point). Then she started saying something about our profile being shown to a birth mom who was due on April 10th.

At this point, my heart was really racing because…was this the phone call we had been dreaming of?

I didn’t have to wait long, because Adoption Kim took a deep breath and said, “She picked you.”

She kept talking at that point, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly what she said because from that point on my heart was racing so fast that my brain forgot how to listen. I told her I’d call her back and made a quick u-turn and raced home to tell your father the news.

The past few days (it’s Wednesday now) have been a whirlwind of phone calls, emails, message board posts, texts and loan applications. I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep teaching (and this includes two night classes at Fresno Pacific University!).

All I know is that I have not stopped smiling and these next three weeks can’t come soon enough (while at the same time I don’t feel like it’s enough time to get everything ready for you). Both your father and I are a little nervous; we’re not sure how we’re going to come up with the rest of the adoption fees in time for the big debut, but I’m trusting in God that He will work out the details. If He is giving us a child, He will also provide for our family.


Hope to see you soon,
Your mommy

Big Bird's Eyelids Are Too Small For My Liking

Dearest little one,

It's been two weeks since I last posted. Oops! Truth be told, these past few weeks have been a whirlwind of crazy happenings and not much happening at all happenings.

On the happenings front, I've been working a couple of extra jobs (doing tutorial), and tomorrow night I pick up yet another one: teaching children's theatre at Fresno Pacific University. I absolutely love it, but I got to admit, the idea of being gone until 10 two nights a week is a little bit daunting. On the homefront, lives are changing left and right around us. Your Aunt Beth & Uncle Tom are getting married in a few weeks, and Daddy's cousins Brent & Bethany are expecting their son Keston any day now. I saw your Aunt Bethany at a girls' weekend a few weeks ago, and she looked like she was going to pop that baby out of there in any minute! Getting a little closer to home, and I think I can officially say this now: you're going to have a cousin! Your Uncle Grant & Aunt Erin are expecting a baby of their own this August.

On the not much happening front, you guessed it, not a whole lot of action on the adoption front. We're still waiting, and that impatience that I've written about so much has been replaced with a calm peacefulness. It'll happen when it happens, and that's good enough for me.

In the meantime, your nursery is filled with items that people have donated for the mega garage sale that we're planning on having in the next month. I'm slowly going through the house and finding things to be sold. So far, the entire guest room is scheduled to be sold. I had thought about keeping it around for your grandmothers to spend a few nights here when you come home, but I think I can get way more use out of a room to lay out all of my scrapbooking stuff. I can't wait to get it all set up; I think that when it's ready to use (instead of being packed away and dragged out on random weekends like it has been for 5 years) I'll be able to use it much more.

I did, however, manage to haul all of my scrapbook stuff out this past weekend to finish up your ABC book. It's super duper cute, and I really look forward to filling it with pictures from your first year. I think your daddy said it best when he said that I may as well do this type of scrapbooking now, because when children come into our lives there won't be a whole lot of time to meticulously glue on Big Bird's eyelids with tweezers!

I think it was worth the work, because isn't it cute?

Lots of love,

your mommy

P.S. Some of the pages have been left blank because we don't know if you're our son or our daughter.
P.P.S. Some of the letters were really hard to come up with words for. E? I? J? X? That was tough stuff. I really had to put my college degree to use on those ones!

Lessons Learned

Dearest Child of Mine,

I’m not going to lie to you: this waiting period has been taxing my patience! I apologize if I sound like a broken record, but with each passing week (and we’re at week sixteen, thankyouverymuch), I find myself growing more and more anxious. Emails are checked almost obsessively (which isn’t easy when you have four different email accounts). My cell phone never leaves my side; not that I was ever seen without it to begin with…but you get the idea.

Despite this lack of patience, however, I really do feel like God has used this waiting time to teach me a few spiritual lessons:

Lesson number 1:
Never tell God “I could never do that…” While in high school, I told God I could never be a teacher. Fast forward six years and boom! I’m teaching and loving every minute of it. While newly married, I told a friend I could never go through the pain of infertility. Fast forward a few years, and I was given the diagnosis I never wanted to hear: Your chances of having a child without major medical help are very slim. Needless to say, when the prospect of adoption entered the picture another year later, the weight of fear was replaced with hope.

Lesson number 2:
What totally stinks now will probably make you a better person. In high school (and again in college) not seeing my name on the cast list was enough to put me in tears for a solid week. Looking back, I know now that while it wasn’t fun at the time, God was using those experiences to teach me what it was like to not be in the spotlight. Now, as students struggle with those same feelings I had, I can look them in the yes and tell them: I totally understand how you feel, and it stinks to the core. When considering how adoption fits into this, while I may be griping about the wait now, I know in my heart that I will be rejoicing later when you—chosen by God—join our family.

Lesson number 3:
Don’t sweat the small stuff. I can remember when the little, insignificant things in life were enough to turn my world upside down. Like the time that my orthodontist promised that my braces would be coming off on the next visit, and then changed his mind when that time came around: my teeth weren’t quite where he wanted them to be, and I would need to wait another few months. (Sidenote: I cried so hard that afternoon that Papa took me straight from the orthodontists’ office to the DMV to make the appointment for my driver’s license). Now, as we’re in the midst of these uncertain times (both on the home front and in the world), God’s reminding me that the dishes in piled in the sink don’t matter: what matters is that I’ve got a home to return to each night and people who love me.
Love you already,
Your mommy

PS. I have a funny feeling that when you come into the world, those dishes in the sink really aren’t going to matter!

Scrapbooking the Night Away

Dearest Child of Mine,

This weekend was a crazy one. I started it off by spending Friday evening stranded in the snow on the side of the mountain with a van full of teenagers, and ended it by watching home movies with my family. And somewhere in between there I spent a few days scrapbooking with my aunt and cousins!

While scrapbooking, I managed to finish what I had started the week before: a scrapbook devoted to Maynerd and Roxy. I wanted to be sure to do something that chronicles our dogs' lives before you come into the picture and they're demoted from being our furbabies to being normal pets. It came out pretty cute!

Once that was done, I focused on a scrapbook for you. It's your ABC book! I'm about 20% finished. I really like what it looks like so far, and I'm hoping that I can continue to find the stamina and endurance to finish it soon. Something tells me that when you come home, little one, I won't have the time to spend my evenings and weekends scrapbooking anymore!

Love you like crazy,
your mommy