Rollercoaster

Dearest Child of Mine,

I think the title pretty much sums it up: what a rollercoaster of a week this was. I'll begin with the positive:

I was teaching when I got a phone call from our social worker at the adoption agency. A birthmom saw our profile and was interested in meeting us in person. We would be one of two families that she would meet with. I was so excited! I hung up the phone and promptly called your father to fill him in. He, too, thought this was wonderful news. I then called Nonni. She was super excited, too. Especially when she found out that the baby's due date would be on February 26: Nonni's birthday.

After making those phone calls, I shot off 20 or so text messages to my closest friends and family asking for their prayers. And then I remembered that I had a children's theatre class to teach and a classful of students wondering what the heck was their teacher spending so much time on the phone for. I filled them in, and they all gasped with joy.

Fast forward an hour or so later, and I was on my way to get lunch for your father while talking to Nonni on the phone (about how we're trying not to get too too excited), when the phone beeped and I realized our social worker was calling. I ended the conversation with Nonni so I could answer the social worker's call. It was not good news that she had for me. The birthmom had decided that she was going to parent her child and that adoption was no longer an option for her.

I won't lie, little one. That news bummed me out...but it wasn't as bad as I thought, because once again, God filled my heart with peace. You see, I know now that the child to be born around February 26 is not my child. You are my child. And someday...we'll meet and you will join our family for forever.

Waiting for your hugs and kisses,

your mommy

Mmmm...cookies

Dearest Child of Mine,


Last fall, I ordered the Sesame Street cartridge for my die cut machine to make really cool letters like this:




















I spent the weekend thinking of you as I took it upon myself to make a plethora of Sesame Street letters for your baby book. My scrapbooking machine is an awesome thing, but methinks that sometimes its coolness makes me want to go a little crazy with all of the things it can do. Just to make one set of letters took the better part of Sunday. Big Bird's eyes? Yeah. Lots of little pieces. If you ever wonder why there's more Elmo than Big Bird in your scrapbooks...well, now you know why. It's because Elmo's waaaaaaaay easier.

At any rate, I'm thinking that I'm going to use the letters I made and turn them into an ABC family book. Each page will have a letter and then a picture of whatever goes along with that pages topic.

This is what I've come up with so far:

• A is for Adoption Day (or Auntie Erin, if you're a girl)
• B is for Auntie Beth
• C is for Cousin (fill in name of your cousin here)
• D is for Daddy
• E is for Auntie Erin (or your name if you're a girl)
• F is for Family
• G is for Grandma Max & Grandpa Michael
• H is for Home
• I is for ........?
• J is for (your name if you're a boy)
• K is for Kisses
• L is for.......?
• M is for Mommy
• N is for Nonni
• O is for Our dogs
• P is for Papa
• Q is for....?
• R is for Roxy
• S is for.....?
• T is for Uncle Tom
• U is for Uncle Grant
• V is for Vogt
• W is for We love you
• X is for (eXtra special?)
• Y is for...?
• Z is for Zoo animals

I'm hoping that the lovely people who read this will give me suggestions for the letters I need help with. I have some ideas, but I'm looking for something that's more concrete in your world so I can take pictures of it.

Hmmm...I'm going to have to ponder this for a while.

I love you so much!

Love,

Your Mommy

Staying Home

Dearest Little One,

I know I wrote earlier about how life hasn't always happened as we planned it, and never was that more evident than today. You see, dear child, when I was planning for my future family (before I ever met your father), I always had it in my head that I would stay at home once babies came into the picture. To be a stay at home mom was my dream. I even "practiced" by making lots of baked goods and perfecting my scrapbooks. Because...that's all that stay at home moms do, right? Bake and craft all day long? Yeah right. Pardon me while I step to the side while the glares of all of the real stay at home moms pierce through the computer screen.

At any rate, while we attempted to make our dreams of a family a reality, the dream that I would be a stay at home mom remained just that: a dream. Financially, we just couldn't afford for me to stay at home with our kids. My job provided most of our income and insurance. We toyed with the idea of your father staying at home, but doubted it would become a reality. We started to look around to see who would be willing to provide childcare for the children that we hoped to add to our small family.

Then, our lives changed dramatically last April. Your father--trying to impress the neighborhood boys--popped a wheelie on a bicycle he was rebuilding. The brakes hadn't been installed on the bike yet, and your dad ended up sprawled out on the asphalt in front of our neighbor's house. One week and one surgery later, we knew that things wouldn't be the same. Your father--who had energy to spare and did yard work "for fun," could no longer walk.

Weeks turned into months as he slowly recovered. One surgery became four separate surgical procedures. A month of physical therapy turned into seven months of thrice-weekly appointments. Even now, nine months after he got hurt, he walks with a pretty major limp. Yep, my child, life isn't going to be the same for our little family.

Today, my little one, reality hit. We had to go to the Social Security office to apply for permanent disability benefits for your father. He's been receiving insurance payments from the state, but those are set to expire in April, and there's no way your daddy can go back to truck driving by then...if ever.

While it saddens me that you will never know what it's like for your daddy to ride a bike or work as a truck driver, it is because of this injury that our dreams were realized: your father is going to be a stay at home dad, at least until he is well enough to return to work. You will know the serenity of having a stay at home parent by your side during your growing up years. It fills me with joy to know that one of us will be able to kiss your owies and see your little face when you wake up from naps.

Who knows? I may even teach him to bake and scrapbook, the way "cool" stay at home moms do.

Hugs and kisses,
your mommy

Change Is Here

Dearest Child of Mine,

Today was a huge day in the story of the United States. Our 44th President, Barack H. Obama, took an oath today making him the first non-white leader of our country. It was inspiring to see my students stare at the television as he delivered his speech today at the Washington Mall.

You could almost feel the electricity in my classroom, little one. All 35 of my beginning theatre students sat in utter silence as they watched history being made. Their chests puffed out a little bit more and their smiles grew wider as the inspiration caught on. This, my child, is a huge day.

You see, you will never grow up as I did (and your grandparents did, and their grandparents did...), seeing only white men take leadership positions throughout the country. Slowly, in my growing up years, that began to change as women and minorities gradually took on more influential political positions. Today's inauguration was the culminating points of many people's dreams, dear child.

Yes we can. Yes he can. Yes you can.

Dream big, little one, because the world is your oyster to take.

your mommy

Our Family (for now)

Photobucket Album

Oh, the Irony

Dearest Child,

As we prepare for your pending arrival, one of the final steps toward completion is the final adoption payment that we will owe the agency before we can take you home.

As it's a rather large amount and your dad isn't working now, we're having to turn to other ways to raise the money so our dreams of parenthood can come true. For now, I'm doing Pampered Chef fundraisers (if you ever wonder why just about every item in the kitchen is Pampered Chef, now you know the answer).

Another way I'm raising money is by taking on extra jobs at school. Today, I started my first job: teaching home hospital to a Central student. The ironic twist would be that this student is home on maternity leave, having just had her baby on Christmas Day. Yep, I'm teaching students who have just had babies to pay for my future baby's adoption!

In the meantime, I can only trust that our road to adoption will continue to be a smooth one. I'm praying that we're not forced to fundraise for the entire remaining balance. I applied for several adoption grants; it will be a huge blessing if we can receive even one.

Praying for you,
your mommy

Ha! I was Right!

Dearest Child of Mine,

Remember when I wrote that post about flying space cars? Well today, I saw this:

Space cars aren't for the movies anymore, baby. They're real and they're here and they're testing them out this year!

Ok, I'm done now.

Love you to the moon and back,

your mommy

Not a Bedtime Story

Dearest Little One,


While on my quest to find out all I can about the adoption process, I have been adding books about adoption to my list of bedtime reading. One of the books, titled Twenty Things Adoptive Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew was one that I thought would be particularly helpful:

I asked for it for Christmas and was so excited when Grandma Max gifted it to me this year. I'm about six chapters into it, and I can't say that I will be finishing this one. The author who wrote this is a psycho babble nut with a major chip on her shoulder. If she got a paper cut, she blamed it on being adopted. If she woke up on the wrong side of the bed one morning, it was because she was still dealing with her adoption grief. Personally, I think that she's got a lot of unresolved feelings regarding her own adoption and, as a result, doesn't view her adoption as a positive thing.

I pray that you will have a different perspective than the author of that book. What I can promise you, little one, is that our love for you will never go away. We love you now, we will love you when we meet you, and we will love you when you're old enough to read this (and beyond).

We will also try our best to answer questions that you may have surrounding your adoption as you have them. It's our hope that we will be open about your adoption so that you feel comfortable coming to us wtih questions or concerns. We don't know what your circumstances will be just yet (because the match has yet to happen), but ideally we'd love to be able to maintain contact with your birthmom. We understand that even though your adoptive family will play a big role in your life, maintaining that link to your biological family is an important part in forming who you are as a person.

Now that I've got that off of my chest, I have been fortunate enough to receive several books that lovingly tell adoption stories.

Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born was the first one I got, from Auntie Beth. It's a beautifully written story and one that we definitely plan on reading to you when you join our family:

I got another book, from your Grandma Max. It's called Susan and Gordon Adopt a Baby. I'm going ga-ga for Sesame Street now, and this book definitely satisfied my Big Bird mania. It's sooo cute and I think it will be particularly helpful to read to you when we adopt our second child (your brother or sister).

Happy reading, dear child!

Love,

your mommy

The New News is that There is No New News

Dearest Child of Mine,

As I write this, I'm sitting in your nursery, taking in all of the sights around me. It's sooo quiet and peaceful, but I'm hoping it won't be that way for long. Something tells me, though, that when you're actually here and you've woken up for the thirteenth time in four hours, I'll be longing for this silence again.

Today was a fun day. I was determined to put my scrapbooking machine to good use, so I've been hard at work creating some wall art for your nursery. I'm absolutely amazed at how the die cut animals I made so closely resemble your bedding! I'll post pictures as soon as I can convince your father to come inside and give me a hand hanging them up. I may be good at a lot of things, but hanging pictures is not one of my gifts. They always end up cock-eyed and on the verge of falling off and bonking somebody on the head. People tend to frown on things falling off of walls and bonking infants on the head, so I'll have to be patient and wait until your dad comes inside before hanging anything up, thankyouverymuch.

I got a phone call today from the social worker who is currently working to match us to, well, you. Although a lot of adoption matches happened with our agency in October and November, December, the first full month we were available to be shown to prospective birth moms, was a relatively quiet month. In fact, only two birthmoms were interested in looking at profiles, and neither one of them were looking for adoptive parents that matched our criteria. If we were African American or Catholic (or both), our profile would have been shared with the birthmoms, but we're neither, so the lovely profile that I (and several other volunteers) slaved over is still sitting in agency's profile binder.

The good news is that January appears to be a busy month for our adoption agency. Several birthmoms are to the point where they can look at the profiles of adoptive parents. Maybe this will be the month that your birthmom will read our profile and see that what we are everything she'd hoped for in adoptive parents?

I can't help but wonder, as I sit in what will be your nursery someday, what you will be like. Will you have dark hair or light hair? Will your eyes be as blue as the sky or deep brown? Will you be artistic, academic or athletic (or all three)? There's so much out there that's an uncertainty at the moment. It's like there's this gift that is sitting within reach but we can't open just yet. And when we are given permission to open this precious gift, it's going to take a lifetime to reveal itself.

You, my dearest little one, are our precious gift. Don't you forget that.

We love you so much,

Your Mommy

P.S. Me again. I just wanted to let you know that my impatience won out and I ended up hanging the pictures on your nursery wall myself. I used a level, dearest little one. And a measuring tape. And the real picture hanger thingamajiggers! In the end, however, all of my efforts to be Mrs. Handyman went out the window. I still had to reposition the pictures about 10 different times. I apologize in advance for the extra holes in your wall. Ooopsie.

I think it was worth it, though. Here's the picture of your bedding:

And here's the picture of the wall art that I (your mommy) made just for you!

Isn't it adorable?

Love you so much,

your mommy

Anniversaries and Looking Forward

Hello, my little one!



Yesterday, your father and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that we've already been married five whole years! It was at this time, five years ago, we were going to the airport to begin our Disney World honeymoon.



Here we are on our honeymoon in Disneyworld. We didn't buy the hats, but we did snag a picture wearing them!

Last year, I started dreaming of all of the things we could do for our milestone fifth anniversary. Maybe we could go on a cruise? Go to the beach for a week? Revisit New York? We settled instead for a 3PM early dinner at Olive Garden followed by a trip to a (really cool) candy store and a children's movie. Oh, yeah, then we crashed Nonni and Papa's moving party and sat and ate a light meal with them. Yep (insert sarcasm here), your parents sure do know how to party.

I'm hoping, little one, that next year's anniversary won't be as low key. Sure, we'll still do the dinner and movie thing, but I'm hoping that instead of leaving on a whim, we'll have to have the mad dash to find a babysitter because your dad and I will be having the what-do-you-mean-you-didn't-call-the-babysitter-that's-what-I-thought-you-were-responsible-for-and-I-was-choosing-the-restaurant-and-movie conversation. I know. I dream big.

Actually, it's more than likely that you won't have any "real" babysitters until you're much, much older. That's the beauty of having family in town. Chances are, we'll be sending you to Nonni & Papa's or Auntie Beth's and they'll be more than happy to oblige! They've already made some comments about fighting over who gets to hold you when you're here. Um, stand in line folks, stand in line.

Because...wait for it...your mother is getting impatient again. It's been a whole month. How much longer will it be? I'm sensing that our dogs know something's up. Usually, they'll come up to us for the brief cuddle and scratch behind the ears, then it's off to either look longingly through the sliding glass doors leading to the backyard (Roxy) or to get in the bathroom trash (Maynerd).

Since we've put the nursery together, however, they've been acting differently. Maynerd insists on laying as close to me as caninely possible. Take now, for example. You'd think that having a laptop on one's lap would imply to most dogs that this lap is out of commission for a while. Nope. Maynerd chooses this time to jump up on the recliner and start circling on my stomach until I eventually get the hint (silly me) and move the laptop so he can lay down on one leg while the laptop tilts precariously on the other leg. Roxy tried to do the same thing, but the laptop won out so she's having to settle for laying on my feet, sighing and burping when appropriate.

Yep--these dogs are in for quite the surprise when you come along, dearest little one, and methinks they've already figured that out. They're too used to being number one in our lives, so they're soaking up all of the loving that they can until you get here and rock their world!

With loving patience,

Your Mommy

Making Room for Grandkids!

Dearest Child of Mine,

Today, I helped your Nonni and Papa move into their new house. It is so big. And it has lots of parks nearby. You are going to love spending time there, I just know it. While I'm a little bit sad that they're moving from their old house that had so many good memories, their new house will be just as special. After all, this will be the house that their grandchildren (ie, you) will fill with love.

Loving you to the end of the world and back,
your mommy

Getting by with a little help from my friends

Hello Little One!

My Grandmother once told me that I would be lucky if I had one true friend with which I could share life's trials and joys. I've been multiply blessed, for while acquaintances have come and gone, many friends have stayed in my life and changed it for the better.

One of those friends, little one, is Melissa. She and I met as 7th graders at Computech Middle School. She was as tall as I was short, but we bonded immediately. Who knew that insecurity and striving to fit in could be so prevalent in junior high? Braces and a teeny-bopper taste in music aside, she and I have been the closest of friends for the going on eighteen years now. My day is always a little brighter when I talk to her on the phone or, better yet, get to visit with her.

Today, my child, was a visiting day. I made the trek today to Santa Cruz to spend time with her, and within minutes my mood was better and the laughter flowed freely (sidenote: I was very, very, VERY frustrated with the phone company and had spent the better part of my vacation trying to get our Internet/phone/cable fixed).

Melissa with Makayla and George

Melissa and her equally awesome husband have two adorable children: Makayla and George. I can't help but think of you when I see them. I hope that you'll get to be as close to them as we are. In fact, nudge, nudge, if you're a boy and you've got a thing for older women, Makayla's got some cute dimples on that face of hers. And if you're a girl and we go through with naming you Emily, feel free to marry George! After all, two of the greatest lovers of all time were named Emily and George (Our Town).

Hmmm...maybe I should meet you first before marrying you off. Forgive me?

Loving you always,

your mommy