Not Yet

Dearest Little One,

So apparently the birthday wishes this morning were a little premature. We heard from our social worker this evening and your birth mom's labor hasn't progressed a whole lot so they're saying you'll make your big debut tomorrow or maybe Friday.

We're trying to keep busy, though. Your Poppa and I went to the mall today (and the pound of Sees candy that we bought is almost gone already--oops) and I picked out a card for your birth mother. There's so much I want to say to thank her, but words somehow escape me. I hope I can put onto paper what I've been thinking all along.

Your father and I, realizing that waiting in the hotel room was only making us stir crazy, ended up getting a last minute date in. We walked across the street to Boomer's and played a quick round of miniature golf. Your father must've really been distracted; I beat him by one point. That never happens. I, on the other hand, was totally on it: I got two hole in ones in a row!

So we're back in the hotel room, and your dad and I are going to head downstairs shortly so he can soak in the hot tub before the pool area closes in an hour. I didn't bring my swimsuit, so I'll be sitting poolside hopefully playing some card games with Nonni.

In the meantime, happy travels, little one!

your mommy

Just Hanging Out

Dearest Child of Mine,

We're just hanging out waiting at the hotel. It's about lunch time, and your father, Nonni & Poppa and I are going to grab lunch. The big debate is whether we'll go to a movie while we wait. I say we go to a movie because that means that surely you'll come THEN because we will have just forked over some $40 to see a cartoon that I've already seen.

Your Poppa was just teasing me, saying that I should be journaling the moments as they happen so you can read them one day. I pulled up this screen and showed him that I'm already on it.

So...we continue to wait. We got a call a little while ago from Adoption Kim; apparently you're taking your sweet time getting here and it could be another few days before you arrive. I wonder how long before cabin fever sets in? I don't know that I've got the patience to even let that happen; I think I heard Poppa mention something about a mall. Guess we're going window shopping!

Love you lots,
your mommy

Happy Birthday!

Dearest Child of Mine,

Today, in exactly 45 minutes, your father and I are going to make the trek to Modesto where we'll sit in a Holiday Inn Express and wait for the word that you have made your grand entrance into the world.

This is probably the understatement of the year, but I am so excited to meet you.

My *plan* is to meet you in the hospital and read a a children's book to you. I mentioned it in an earlier post: Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born.

I don't know if I'll be able to get through it, though. I started crying just reading it to myself silently yesterday. Even this morning, as I write this, tears are welling up in my eyes.

I'll see you today, my little one!

Lots of love,
your mommy

PS Happy Birthday!

We got THE Call!

Dearest Little One,

You aren't even born yet, but you sure are a thoughtful little bambino. You waited until I was done with all of my school obligations and tied up all of the loose ends before letting your birthmom know that you were ready to come out. You also wanted to make sure that I wasn't going anywhere: you waited so that when you were born, your mommy had the exact number of sick days ready to take the rest of the school year off: there are 17 days of school left, and I have exactly 17 sick days saved up for your arrival. For good measure, you even gave yourself the deadline of Wednesday, May 20th (and just for kicks and giggles, you even allowed me 48 hours notice so I can use tomorrow to get things just so for your homecoming this week).

I haven't met you yet, but already, you're my kind of child. Polite, thoughtful, considerate, and right on time. You, my child, ROCK!

If you were wondering where I was when I got THE phone call, it went something like this:

I was at your Nonni & Poppa's house because I had just sold their oven to help pay for your adoption. In fact, they were letting me sell all of the major appliances in their kitchen to help pay for your adoption. It's not that they're planning on spending the remaining years of their lives using a camp stove to make dinner; it's just that when they moved into their new house they didn't much care for the brand new appliances that the bank had put into their kitchen. So, before they even turned the appliances on, they replaced them with the stuff that was more their style and graciously allowed me to sell the "old" appliances online.

Getting back to the point, I was literally just telling Nonni that I had a gut feeling that you were going to come on Wednesday. Last week, as I was preparing my classroom for a sub, it came to me in a flash: Wednesday. I don't know why that came to me, but it was something that kind of just stuck. Then, to make things more interesting, your Auntie EllenAnn called me this weekend to tell me that she had a gut feeling that you were coming on the 20th. We put two and two together, little one, and this Wednesday is the 20th.

So I was finishing up telling your Nonni this (and I'm pretty sure that while she was patiently nodding as I was telling her this, on the inside she was probably thinking that her daughter was a nutjob), when my phone rang. You got it...it was Adoption Kim.

I answered the phone, not quite sure what to expect, when Adoption Kim told me that we have an induction date for your birth mom to bring you into this world: Wednesday, May 20th.

We talked for a while after that, going over details, but frankly, darling, my head was spinning. Your Nonni's eyes about popped out of her head when she heard me repeat the date over the phone and your Poppa just stared at me, soaking it all in. They graciously let me call your father to tell him the news (I think he was as stunned as I was) before asking for all of the details.

While things can change at any time, the plan (for now) is this:

I'm taking tomorrow off to wrap things up at home and clean for your arrival. We're leaving on Wednesday morning to head up to Modesto, where we're supposed to get a hotel room with your Nonni & Papa. Once we're in the hotel, we're supposed to wait for THE call that you, my son or daughter, has made his/her grand debut in the world. When we get THE call, we're going to be able to drop everything and make the mad dash to the hospital where we'll be able to lay eyes on you for the first time.

As we cross all of our t's and dot all of our i's in these hours before you're born, your birthmom is heavy on my heart. I think about her often, as I'm sure you do now. I wonder what she looks like. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she's going to be okay in the events of these next few days. I wonder, little one, and I pray for her, because I know it cannot be easy. I've never been in her shoes, but I know that the gift she's giving us is not an easy gift to give. She's told us (through our respective social workers) that she wants us to be your family because it's better than the family she'd be able to provide for you. That takes a lot of courage to be able to make that difficult decision.

I admire your birthmom so much. Not because she chose us, per se, but because she's putting your needs above her own. I don't know too many people who can do just that. She's a precious woman, your birthmom is. I hope, by now, that you're able to see just how wonderfully selfless she is.

It's all hitting me now, my child. We've been waiting to meet you for so long, and this moment is literally hours away. The next time I post, it'll be filled with pictures and details of your arrival. I cannot wait.

Until then,

your mommy

Team Blue or Team Pink?

Dearest Child of Mine,

As I mentioned in yesterday's letter, one of the things your dad and I did this week was get the dogs groomed. We couldn't see their eyes anymore (the abundance of fur all over their face took care of that) and we were pretty sure at one time that Roxy was white and not the mangy brown color that she had been sporting, so off the dogs went to get all purtied up.

We hadn't told the groomer that we were adopting a baby that was dueanyminute, so imagine my surprise when I picked the dogs up and found that each dog was making their baby gender preference known.

Roxy, as you can see by this picture here, clearly is voting for team pink:

Isn't she just the cutest thing? Can you see why

I'm a sucker for those big brown eyes of hers?

Maynerd, on the other hand, is making it known that HE is all for team blue and clearly wants another boy to round out the family.

You can kind of see the blue ribbon peeking out

from the side of his face. He's giving me his "Why are you

taking a picture of me NOW?" face. He's very good at it.

And then I took a classic example of 99% of the pictures that we've got of both of the dogs. Roxy's looking pretty alright and clearly has facial features. Maynerd, on the other hand, is so dark that we're only left to assume that somewhere in there are two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Flashes are useless because then he looks like he's possessed by the green Devil. Sigh. Poor guy. He's so awesomely good looking, but no one would ever know it unless you saw him in person.


You can see why I'm not the only one who's in a hurry for you to get here. Our dogs are clearly tired of being photographed ALL THE TIME and are more than willing to hand over the reigns.

Loving you tons,
your mommy

Spam is Funny

Dearest Child of Mine,

Are you here yet? I'm on day 56 of anxiously anticipating your arrival, and each day the anxiety is cranked up a notch. I thought I was bad last week, but it's nothing compared to what I've been feeling this week.

Each day, the first thoughts that I have in the morning are usually like this:"Will this be the day?" "Will this be the day that we find out if we've got a son or daughter?" "Will this be the day that I get to join club Mommy and Jay gets to join club Daddy?"

After keeping my phone rightbymyside while getting ready for work, I walk into school where my co-worker usually makes some sort of comment about you still not being here yet. During class, with my phone still rightbymyside (ok, on my desk), one or more of my students will either a) ask if there's any more baby news or b) ask if they can babysit. Today, when I answered one student's question by telling him that your due date is tomorrow, he responded by squealing and jumping up and down.

Yes, my darling, the excitement has officially reached a fever pitch...and you aren't even here yet.

To amuse myself and keep myself occupied, I've been to get as much done as I possibly can while I still can. We started off with the things that absolutely had to be done before your arrival: getting a carseat, washing some of your clothes and preparing your room for your great home coming (triple check). Once we did that, and you still weren't here, I moved on to the things that I had hoped to get done before you got here: that would be having the carseat checked by the CHP, getting the dogs groomed, and making sure that the dogs will be taken care of while we're gone (check, check and check). Then, we moved on to the things that could be done before you get here but really it doesn't matter a whole lot: preparing for the theatre awards, making cookie dough for next week's family reunion, and steam cleaning the spare room (again, triple check).

Each time I get another thing crossed off of my to-do list, I kinda wonder if that was the thing you were waiting for. I mean, maybe you didn't want to come into this world until I had covered all twenty four Spam cans with blue painter's because you knew that once you were here I wouldn't really have a whole lot of time to get ready for this year's theatre awards? The thought occurred to me today as I was meticulously taping each can that it would be REALLY funny to tell you one day that we got THE call while your mommy was neck high in spam cans and painter's tape. Then again, by the time you're old enough to read this, it won't seem so odd that your mother is neck high in spam and painter's tape because, well, frankly, by the time you read this you will have seen me make the Hammy awards ten times over and the novelty is probably lost on you.

Back to the point: when I didn't get THE call while making the Hammy awards, I thought to myself as I carried them out to the car "Maybe I'll get THE call while I'm carrying a box of tape-covered spam cans...that would be funny, too." Yep. Didn't happen. No phone call.

So now...I continue to wait. I did get a onesie ordered that has the word "Spam" emblazened on it for you to wear to the Hammy Awards. I think it'll be cute!

Love you lots,

mommy

Uncertainty is the Name of the Game

Dearest Little One,

We're now four days before your birth mother's due date and the anxiety has now found a permanent home in the bottom of my stomach. Our lives have become a series of uncertainties as we wait for the inevitable change that you will bring into our lives. In the meantime, I find myself counting down each final event as it happens. Last Friday, for example, your father and I went on what will probably be our last double date with Aunt Beth & Uncle Tom for a while. Going grocery shopping brought about yet another revelation: you will probably make me a mommy before the milk I just bought expires. Wow.

For now, I jump out of my skin every time the phone rings. Every day I go to school, I wonder if it's the last day I'll teach before I go on family leave for the rest of the school year. Every meal your father and I eat, I wonder if it's the last quiet meal we'll have together.

Going to bed isn't without its uncertainties, either. I've been sleeping with this bonding doll that your Auntie Melissa bought for you. I'm hoping that it will become your favorite toy. It's blue and oh so soft! It's called the twinkle baby:

At any rate, the "what ifs" strike the most at night. I wonder, "What if tonight is the night I get the phone call?" "What if I don't hear the phone or Jay sleeps through it?" The hardest "what if" is the most painful one. "What if the birth mom changes her mind?"

I know, in my heart, that if the birthmom DOES change her mind then the baby she's carrying isn't you. I want so badly for this child to be you, my precious son or daughter, but adoption is never a set in stone thing. For now, however, this birthmom has remained firm in her decision to selflessly place you into our homes forever, and that's the decision I'm comforting myself with each night. I can't imagine a more gracious and loving act then the one she's planning on doing in the near future: giving your father and I the opportunity to be parents to you. I look forward to sharing our lives with her as you grow up, and plan on making good on my promise to keep the adoption as open as she's comfortable with.

To get back to the present, we did receive a phone call today from our social worker today. Your birthmom had an ultrasound yesterday, and apparently you're quite big and down low. This is a good sign, little one, because that means you're preparing to make your way into the world!

As we wait for you to make your big debut, I'm continuing to drive your father absolutely bonkers with my neurotic desire to get all of my ducks in a row. I think it's my own way of dealing with the uncertainty of the future. I can't control what will happen in the hospital, I can't control how our family will expand, but I can control how I prepare for everything. I'm obsessed with getting things just so so that we don't hit any major snags along the way:

• The overnight bags have been packed for a month: one for you (complete with both gender-appropriate "going home" outfits) and one for us
• The backpack is filled with every electronic device known to man: video camera, digital camera (when your dad's not stealing it), laptop, DVD player...you get the idea. I've also had the foresight to pack their respective chargers.
• The people taking care of our dogs (Travis & Lisa) have been given house keys and put on high alert. I've also given Auntie Beth the full lecture about the dogs should Travis & Lisa not understand the detailed instructions I've left on the laundry room door.
• Your nonni graciously agreed to bring snacks to keep us well fed during our hospital/hotel stay. She's in Sacramento for the next few days, but she brought the snack bag & ice chest with her, just in case she needs to meet us in the hospital on short notice. Hmmm...like mother, like daughter?
• The lists of guests to be invited to your baby showers have been written out and addresses collected.
• A few pacifiers and a bottle have been sterilized and are ready to be used.
• Car seat is installed, ready to be checked by the CHP (tomorrow at 2:45, thankyouverymuch).
• I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I've got a typed list hanging on the nursery door of things we're supposed to remember before we go to the hospital. I even used the scrapbook machine to spell out "Remember" in big letters on top of the list. Someday, I'll probably add it to your baby book and we'll all get a big laugh at how insane I was during this time!

I know, I know...I'm a little type-A. And by a little, I mean a lottle. I'm finding myself doing the same things I did in school to earn the good grades that I did: I'm studying up (three baby books along with several adoption books) and am in severe danger of becoming a veritable walking, talking book. In short, little one, I'm doing what I do best: studying my way to becoming a mother.

And nothing, little one, nothing I read or do is going to completely prepare me for how you're about to rock our world. Be gentle, kiddo--your mom and dad are completely new at this!

Much love,

your mommy